I was excited and nervous all at once the day I found out a new life was about to begin. We had just begun talking about adding to the family the week before. I never thought something could kill that joy until world events brought fear into the mix in one heartbeat.
A new adventure is about to begin
On September 5th, 2001, I woke up not feeling my typical self. I knew what it had to be even though I was not sure I was ready for this new journey. My husband and I had a rough first year and a half of marriage, adding a baby to the mix would test our limits for sure. But it wasn’t like we would be mad or disappointed to have a little one to love.
I picked up a test on my way to the bridal shop I worked at. I had time to do what I had to before work. I know it was unorthodox, to take a pregnancy test in the work bathroom, but I knew there was NO WAY I could wait all day. Sure enough, within a minute, I had my answer. Our two was about to become three.
The first person I told was my boss. I couldn’t contain the sudden rush of excitement bubbling over in me. I then called the local flower shop and had a balloon sent to the factory where my husband and father-in-law worked. The balloon said “Congratulations” on it, but the card said “Guess What?” On one side and “You’re going to be a daddy” on the other.
After we both got out of work, we went to the store to pick up a birthday card for my dad. His birthday is the 5th. It said “Happy Birthday, Grandpa” on the front. He missed it at first. It was how we signed it that made him look back at the front. He has the card to this day.
We went out for dinner as a family and joy filled the air. This baby would be the first grandchild on all side of the family.
God, I feel robbed
The week that followed was full of laughter as we told each family member. This was pre-Facebook (Can you imagine that time? Me neither) so we had to inform everyone by phone or face-to-face. We felt honored to be given the responsibility of training up the child. To love him or her without conditions. I was surprised at how protective I felt over the little one and I hadn’t met them yet.
Then, a week later, it all changed.
I turned on my television so that I could watch the news while I ironed my pants for work. The image I saw made me think of a movie. It took a second to see that I was watching live video. I was shocked, horrified, and confused. As the story unfolded, my joy vanished. The joy of a coming arrival was replaced with dread and sadness. This was not the world I wanted for my child. I knew they would not have the childhood I did.
I could feel the shift in my bones as all the dreams I had for my baby died. The desire to be a mother ceased. I sat in the chair, watching the images flash. Sadness for my unborn child was followed by a request I didn’t want to make. “Lord, please don’t ask me to bring a child into this world. They don’t deserve this.”
I shared with someone, I cannot remember who, my feelings about bringing a child into this fallen world. Her words brought comfort to my hurting heart. It opened the door for me to enjoy this time in my life again, no matter what was going on in the world.
She said, “Missy, your baby is a gift. A gift designed just for you and your husband to nurture. It will bring you joy to your family and bring comfort in times of trial. This baby is a gift on loan, though. The child belongs to God, so let God handle the things you can’t and you two raise it on the Word.”
She was right. God was loaning us this child. It wasn’t our own. It was His before it was ours. He would take care of us and the child, and any other children that came along, no matter what. He would hold us in His hands. Just like He promised in Jeremiah 29:11. (That was when it be came our family verse.)
What about you? Do you find yourself struggling to enjoy something God has given you in the midst of destruction? Are having a hard time seeing the hand of God move in your life? Let me encourage you to step out in faith and trust our Creator. He holds us in His hands and they are big enough to carry what ever we put in them.